Rings Twice
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Rings Twice
Three Ring Circus
At times, it seems like we couldn't be more different from each other, like when we're ordering at Starbucks or comparing notes during American Idol in an effort to understand just what in the Sam Heck Randy Jackson is saying.
But I think we're more alike than we realize. For example, let's say it's 5:30pm on a Friday - given the choice of going to the bank or removing one's right eye with a melon baller, most people would, without hesitation, head straight for the utensil drawer. Some would end up at the bank, but mostly by default, having faced this decision before. The remaining few freely chose to go to the bank despite possessing their right eyes and able melon ballers, but only because, by that late on a Friday, the foresight lobes of their brains had been shut down to conserve what little energy was left, leaving their it seemed like a good idea at the time lobes free to populate the garage with needless products from the ShamWow Guy.
We've all been there. I was quite literally there four weeks ago, at the bank on a Friday afternoon, when federal law requires there be one teller per legion of customers in line. Worse yet, it was the first of the month, so everyone who has money, wants money, needs money, or can spell money was in line with me. On top of that, the person being served by the one teller (this bank did not have enough velvet rope for multiple legions) had several deposits to make - one of which included numerous coins that, considering the teller's reaction, apparently survived their issuing governments - before ending her bank business by reciting several choice selections from The Index of Incomprehensibly Ridiculous Questions.
At one point, she seemed to be turning to leave, causing all of us in line to start the Anticipatory Forward Shuffle, but she turned back and re-engaged the teller, who did her best to not reveal her increasing desire to burst into flames and die. I don't know what The Customer of Death said next, since all of us in line were busy forming assault teams to assassinate her with our deposit slips. Fortunately she left before our weapons were ready (one guy hadn't filled in his account number), although I maintain that any action against her would have been deemed justified at subsequent legal proceedings.
The point - and I swear there is one - is that our decision-making abilities are negatively affected by fatigue, so all of us are alike in needing a reasonable amount of downtime to avoid involvement in assassination conspiracies.
I was in the middle of my own downtime on a recent Saturday, resting on the couch with the TV volume low so the cackling of Real Housewives, Kardashians, and anyone else in the Slim Pickin's Weekend Lineup was reduced to a more enjoyable soft hum, when the doorbell rang. I couldn't think of anything that could be on the other side of the door that would make me want to get up, including Ed McMahon holding a check the size of a twin mattress, which would be quite a sight considering he passed away two years ago.
So I was content to just lie there with the soft hum, pondering how Real Housewives et al. manage to talk at all with their heads so far up their own keesters, but the doorbell rang AGAIN, followed immediately by TWO MORE rings in quick succession, which is, as we all know, International Doorbell Code for I'm losing blood by the pint and need immediate medical help.
Or maybe that's four rings. I know five rings are for locust invasions, six rings are for Jehovah's Witnesses, and the postman always rings twice.
At any rate, it was sufficient motivation to get me to leave the couch and answer the door, but, to my surprise, I found a smiling, uniformed man with a clipboard who did not appear on the verge of death, something I would regret later.
He introduced himself before expressing his deep-seated concern that I might be paying too much for my phone, TV, and internet service, a possibility that apparently kept him up at night.
However, I need not worry, since he, purely by chance, was aware of a better option offered by the company he coincidentally represents, whose name I will disguise for legal reasons as KT&T. He said that, thanks to a SPECIAL OFFER from KT&T, one that was coincidentally ENDING SOON, I could have better service for less money.
Needless to say, I was impressed by this total stranger's concern for my personal finances. It just goes to show that there are still honest, caring people out there who are paid by commission.
Unfortunately for him, however, any positive reaction I had to his presence was overshadowed by two significant facts:
1. It was Saturday, when not even I care about my personal finances.
2. He would not stop talking.
I was getting really uncomfortable standing there, so I started giving him subtle hints to make him wrap it up - shifting my weight from one foot to the other, glancing at my watch, loading a shotgun - but he kept right on going.
At this point, I would have bought the Sun from him just to make him go away, but that was not an option since it's not for sale by the woman in Spain who claims to own it (look this up if you don't believe me).
Thankfully, I discovered I could end the encounter and get back to my couch by agreeing to a free trial, which I happily did to avoid collapsing on my porch. This was a good decision on my part, since Mr. KT&T would have eventually been overcome with concern for my neighbor's personal finances and left me lying there, listening to the distant hum of Real Housewives or Kardashians, and not knowing the appropriate number of doorbell rings to use to get help.
About the Author
MyPhoria - Laugh about it.
http://myphoria.blogspot.com
Updated Thursdays.
when i call it rings twice then goes to voicemail. is the phone off or am i being ignored?
figured i was. there goes a half year long relationship.
ignored!
itd go straight to voicemail if it was off.
the only other reason would be the person has your number blocked. my phone actually does the same thing when i block someone calls. it says "send straight to voicemail" but it rings twice first.
either way this person doesnt want to talk to you.
The Postman Always Rings Twice (1946)